Mommy Guilt

You want the best for your kid of course.  You want to give them everything.  You want to be Supermom.  But the frustration, the worrying, the self-doubt.  It's hard.  It gets to you.  It's worse than Catholic guilt.  At least with Catholicism, you can go to Confession.
Mommy guilt stays with you forever.  Seriously, ask your mom and she'll probably have at least one regret about your childhood.  My mom will still tear up when she thinks about the things she did wrong.  And this is like 30 years later but she still remembers.  I used to think she was being silly because my sister and I don't even remember most of those things but I totally get it now.
Lately, I feel like I suck at being a mom.  Eggy's been watching too much TV because I'm occupied with Bacon or I need to make dinner or I just want a break.  I should be playing with her or reading to her or something.  We used to read a lot together.  Now I just feel like I have no time.  And it seems like I'm always snapping at her.  One time I was annoyed with her for who knows what and she looked at me and said, "why you mad, umma?"  She wasn't mad or even upset which made me feel so shitty.  Like she really did nothing and I just took it out on her.  Another time, I had gotten mad (again) but I told her I was sorry and that I was tired and just needed a time out.  And she started tearing up and said, "I just want you to be the best umma ever!" and hugged me.  Super shitty.  And don't even ask me about the time I almost killed Eggy taking her out for a walk in the stroller when she was two months old.
I don't have as much guilt for Bacon but I think that's because he's still so young.  Give me time and I'm sure I'll have effed up some things.
So no, I am nowhere close to being Supermom.  I'm never going to be Supermom.  And I will probably carry around this guilt for the rest of my life.  But I hope my kids know that I will always love them no matter what.

3 years, 2 months

I meant to write this post back in April around Eggy's birthday but I've been a little busy, haha.  I've totally forgotten how tiring it can be taking care of a newborn.  Actually, to be honest, the newborn stage sucks.  Especially since I think Bacon has colic.  Yuck.  I know I'm supposed to enjoy it because "they grow up so fast" and "he'll only be this little for so long" but I would rather just fast forward to at least six months.  I just remember very specifically thinking when Eggy was maybe 6 or 8 months old how much fun she was.  Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I didn't love her or enjoy being with her.  It just got more fun as she got older.  Eggy's newborn stage is all so hazy to me (That's got to be some biological voodoo because why else would people subject themselves to this craziness and have more than one kid.) so I thought I should try to record some of the stuff she's doing at this age.  Because don't you know?  They grow up way too fast.

• She knows how to spell her first name.  She can also write the first letters of her first and last name.  And the letter O but that's because it's a circle.  
• She knows her address.
• She can count to 20, sort of.  She gets confused after 12:  ten, eleven, twelve, eleventeen, fourteen, sixteen....
• Her favorite color is orange.
• She's starting to learn her phonics.  I don't know if she totally gets it but if I ask her what letter does popcorn start with for example and I say, "puh, puh, puh, popcorn" she'll say P.  
• She can ride her tricycle.  She used to get frustrated because she couldn't pedal that well or she'd be scared of falling but she's doing really well now.  She even asked her dad for a bike.   

• At her check up in April, she weighed 29 pounds, 6.4 ounces and measured 38 inches tall.  I think she's grown since then.  She's still pretty skinny though because she can still fit in a lot of her summer clothes from last year.  They're just a little bit shorter. 

• She still wears a pull-up at night even though she has no problems during the day.  
• She can open doors now.  In the morning, she comes running into our room even though we tell her she has to stay in her bed/room until her alarm clock turns green.
• She knows that she's three years old but she also knows that when we go to Disneyland, she's two still (if they ask).  ;)  So now when people ask her her age, she looks at me to see what number she's supposed to say.  
• She understands almost everything my mom says to her in Korean even though she doesn't really speak it herself.  She'll even watch cartoons in Korean, like Pororo or Robocar Poli.  And she knows a few songs in Korean but I think she's just repeating my mom phonetically, not really understanding the words.  I think she'd be better off if she knew how to speak Mandarin but Eggy appah only knows Cantonese.  I should send her to a Chinese school but then she'd hardly ever get to speak/hear the language outside of school.  
• When she poops, she pinches her nose.  Whenever she smells anything bad, she pinches her nose and yells, "Stinky!"  If she farts, she yells, "Stinky!" and runs away.  Sometimes, she'll grab a book and try to fan it away. 

Stinky fertilizer

• Since she'd be seeing Bacon's bits during diaper changes, we told her about how boys have a penis and girls have a vagina (did you totally just think of Kindergarten Cop right now?).  She calls it a "magina."  One time we were at Ikea and she told her dad that he has a penis.  Really loudly.  
• She refuses to cut her hair.  I don't know why.  She came along when I went to get my hair cut a few months ago and she let my stylist cut some bangs.  Then, he couldn't help himself and cut a few layers in the front and curled it too.  haha

• She's still a really good eater.  Really really good.  I mean she likes sweets and other junk food too but like if you gave her a plate of french fries and bell peppers, she'd eat both equally.  Let's hope it stays that way.
• She's always singing some random song and I don't know if it's from some show she watched or if she totally made it up.  Also, she knows how to rhyme words.  She gets a big kick out of all those "See you later, alligator.  In a while, crocodile." sayings.  And she loves to sing The Name Game song.  
• You know how kids are always asking why, why why?  Eggy asks, "How come?"  I didn't realize it until my sister pointed it out but that's what I say.  So it's always "How come?"  So annoying.  I don't mind her asking something if she really wants to know but sometimes she doesn't even listen to the answer.  She just keeps repeating "How come?" Or sometimes the question doesn't even make sense.  
• She also talks a lot.  A LOT.  All the time.  Sometimes, she even talks in her sleep.  And just like singing, I don't know where she learns some of the things she says.  And when she says certain words wrong, I don't always correct her because I think it's cute and funny.  Like when she says she's a little bit "infused" instead of confused.  And of course, when she says magina.  

Anyway, those are just some random things about Eggy right now.  Love my girl.

Eggy Noona

(Noona means older sister in Korean, specifically what a boy calls his older sister.  And girls call their older sister unni.)
So far, Eggy really loves her new baby brother.  She's always giving him kisses on the forehead.  She doesn't even like to give us random kisses.  In the beginning, she'd get really upset whenever he cried.  I wasn't sure if it was because she didn't like the loud noise or because she was worried about him.  She'd cover her ears and yell, "Why is he crying?!?  HE'S TOO LOUD FOR ME!!"  Um, stop yelling then.  You're too loud for me.  Now, she tells me to go get him when he starts to cry.  Sometimes, she even suggests reasons why Bacon might be crying.  The other day we were driving in the car and Bacon started to cry and she told us to turn the static on the radio.  What do you know?  It worked!  And she always wants to "help" with diaper changes, baths, feedings, etc.  It would be so much faster and easier if I just did it by myself but I don't want her to feel left out.  And sometimes she does actually help.  Plus she won't always feel this way towards her brother so I should appreciate it while it lasts.

 

If there has been any jealousy, it's been over Bacon's "new" toys (Eggy's old baby toys).

And once in a while, she likes to pretend that she's the baby and have us pretend feed her and change her.  But most of the time, she's happy being the big girl.  

I'd say the only problem she's given us is that she's been a little more defiant lately.  Nothing horrible but I think she's testing us.  I'll tell her that she can't do something and she'll ask again repeatedly or make comments about how much she loooves it and wants it or whatever.  Or she'll ignore me and just do it anyway.  It frustrates me because I know she totally understands that I told her no and she's smart enough to know.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't have as much patience or energy as I did pre-Bacon.  Maybe she's just acting her age but I guess I just expect a lot from her.  I have to remind myself that she's only three.  The pitfalls of being the firstborn.  

Hope all you moms had a wonderful Mother's Day.  Eggy appah was so nice and let me sleep in the whole weekend.  And Bacon gave me a belated gift today:  a huge smile!  He's been smiling in his sleep for a few weeks now but this was the first time he smiled looking right at me.  Maybe it was a fluke but I still loved it.  

Happy 1 Month!

I feel like April was such a long month but at the same time I can't believe it's May already.
There have been a few issues that we've had to deal with that made things a little stressful, especially since it's new to us because Eggy never had these problems.  Poor Bacon has probably been to the doctor/hospital almost once a week.  The biggest thing has been his reflux.  The pediatrician put him on Zantac first, now Prilosec.  It doesn't really seem to be helping because he still spits up all the time, even if we're holding him upright or if it's been an hour after he ate.  Luckily, he's gaining weight and eating well.  His newborn clothes are pretty snug on him and he's in size 1 diapers now too.  At his last well baby visit last Thursday, he weighed 8 pounds, 9 ounces and he was about 20 3/4 inches long.  At that visit, the pediatrician also told me that Bacon's got torticollis where his head tilts to the right so now he has to go see an occupational therapist.  Sigh.  He's got such a nice round head too (yay for the c-section).  And Bacon has had to have his heel pricked numerous times because he still looks jaundiced but that seems to be okay.  And his baby acne totally flared up last week and hasn't gone away yet.  He's also got cradle cap.  So I feel really bad for him but I also feel fortunate because they're pretty minor issues.

I want to write a separate post about Eggy's feelings about Bacon but I just haven't had time.  (There's never enough time!)  But I will say that she does love him and has shown very little jealousy.  One morning, Eggy came out of her room and asked where Bacon was (he was sleeping in his crib in his room).  I told her that I took him back to the hospital.  And she was like, "No, but he's going to miss me." And she ran into his room to check.  I told her that we should take him back to the hospital because he cries so much.  And she started crying, saying "I don't want you to take him back.  I miss him!  I love him!"  Awwww!

Update: 2 Weeks, 2 Days

The first couple weeks we stayed at my parents' house.  It was such a big help.  And I think it was good for Eggy to have extra people around to give her more attention.  But now we're back home and Eggy appah went back to work this week so it's just been me home alone with the two kiddos.
At the risk of jinxing things, life with two kids has been... manageable.  Maybe because I thought it would be a lot harder?  But a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that Bacon really doesn't require much right now.  He just needs me for feedings and diaper changes and the occasional fussiness.  He sleeps most of the time.  It's actually Eggy who demands most of my time and attention.
I really missed her those first two weeks.  I mean, it's good that she wasn't super clingy to me.  Actually, she just wanted to hang out with her dad all the time.  But I still felt guilty for not being able to hang out with Eggy as much as I'd like.   At first, I just physically couldn't do much with her because I was still recovering from the surgery.  The first time I picked her up again it felt like she had gained ten extra pounds.

When did she get so big?

So it's only my second day alone with the kids but it's not too bad.  We'll see how things change once Bacon becomes more alert and needs more attention.  Fingers crossed.

Eggy meets Bacon

The first thing she said when she came into the hospital room and saw him?  

"Hi, Baby Bacon!"  

Giving little brother a kiss

Our family of four

More to come.  It's hard to find the time to blog, especially since we're back home and Eggy appah is back to work.  And it's either blog or take a nap.  I choose sleep.

Introducing Bacon!

April 8, 2012

@ 9:36 am

7 lbs, 2 oz

18 3/4 inches

Tired but happy.  Well, as happy as you can be when your newborn only sleeps in 15 minute increments his first night.  Let's hope we have a better second night. 

Before

Nice to meet you!

After

If all is still well, we get to go home tomorrow.