June 12, 2012

Mommy Guilt

You want the best for your kid of course.  You want to give them everything.  You want to be Supermom.  But the frustration, the worrying, the self-doubt.  It's hard.  It gets to you.  It's worse than Catholic guilt.  At least with Catholicism, you can go to Confession.
Mommy guilt stays with you forever.  Seriously, ask your mom and she'll probably have at least one regret about your childhood.  My mom will still tear up when she thinks about the things she did wrong.  And this is like 30 years later but she still remembers.  I used to think she was being silly because my sister and I don't even remember most of those things but I totally get it now.
Lately, I feel like I suck at being a mom.  Eggy's been watching too much TV because I'm occupied with Bacon or I need to make dinner or I just want a break.  I should be playing with her or reading to her or something.  We used to read a lot together.  Now I just feel like I have no time.  And it seems like I'm always snapping at her.  One time I was annoyed with her for who knows what and she looked at me and said, "why you mad, umma?"  She wasn't mad or even upset which made me feel so shitty.  Like she really did nothing and I just took it out on her.  Another time, I had gotten mad (again) but I told her I was sorry and that I was tired and just needed a time out.  And she started tearing up and said, "I just want you to be the best umma ever!" and hugged me.  Super shitty.  And don't even ask me about the time I almost killed Eggy taking her out for a walk in the stroller when she was two months old.
I don't have as much guilt for Bacon but I think that's because he's still so young.  Give me time and I'm sure I'll have effed up some things.
So no, I am nowhere close to being Supermom.  I'm never going to be Supermom.  And I will probably carry around this guilt for the rest of my life.  But I hope my kids know that I will always love them no matter what.


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