Single mom

Eggy appah was in Vegas this weekend for a bachelor party so I got to experience life as a single parent for a couple days.  (Well, I was staying at my parents' so I had a lot of help from my sister.  Thanks, eemo!)  It's freaking hard!  And it didn't help that Bacon had one of his worst nights last night.  He kept waking up every hour or so after 1am.  Sometimes, he'd wake up two or three times within an hour!  Horrible!  (I'm not sure but I think it's because we haven't been giving Bacon his reflux med for a few days and it's caught up to him.  He's been spitting up a lot more today and yesterday.)  But then I heard some sad sad news about my mom's friend's daughter who delivered prematurely and how her baby has all these issues.  And I can't even be upset about my one sucky night when I have two beautiful healthy kids.  

And in other happier news, my friend came over on Friday with her baby.  It was our first time seeing each other's baby.  (I'm going to call her KG for Kate Gosselin because they have the same hairstyle (before Kate got the extensions).  You can't tell from the pic but her hair is AWESOME.  And I thought Eggy had amazing hair when she was a baby.)  KG is only two months older than Bacon so I'm sure they'll be good buddies in the future.  Look, don't they look like they had a lot of fun?

Haha, my kids spent most of the visit napping but it was still fun to hang out with KG and her mommy.  KG seems way more mellow than Bacon.  I'm kind of jealous.  And also of her hair too.  It really is a sight to behold.

Mommy Guilt

You want the best for your kid of course.  You want to give them everything.  You want to be Supermom.  But the frustration, the worrying, the self-doubt.  It's hard.  It gets to you.  It's worse than Catholic guilt.  At least with Catholicism, you can go to Confession.
Mommy guilt stays with you forever.  Seriously, ask your mom and she'll probably have at least one regret about your childhood.  My mom will still tear up when she thinks about the things she did wrong.  And this is like 30 years later but she still remembers.  I used to think she was being silly because my sister and I don't even remember most of those things but I totally get it now.
Lately, I feel like I suck at being a mom.  Eggy's been watching too much TV because I'm occupied with Bacon or I need to make dinner or I just want a break.  I should be playing with her or reading to her or something.  We used to read a lot together.  Now I just feel like I have no time.  And it seems like I'm always snapping at her.  One time I was annoyed with her for who knows what and she looked at me and said, "why you mad, umma?"  She wasn't mad or even upset which made me feel so shitty.  Like she really did nothing and I just took it out on her.  Another time, I had gotten mad (again) but I told her I was sorry and that I was tired and just needed a time out.  And she started tearing up and said, "I just want you to be the best umma ever!" and hugged me.  Super shitty.  And don't even ask me about the time I almost killed Eggy taking her out for a walk in the stroller when she was two months old.
I don't have as much guilt for Bacon but I think that's because he's still so young.  Give me time and I'm sure I'll have effed up some things.
So no, I am nowhere close to being Supermom.  I'm never going to be Supermom.  And I will probably carry around this guilt for the rest of my life.  But I hope my kids know that I will always love them no matter what.